I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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