Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
