his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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