Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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