Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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