just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
