I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
