Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
