I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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