Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
