OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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