ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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