did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
