Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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