roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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