Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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