is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
