my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
