I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just googled if crying burns calories
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
