It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
