I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
