Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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