I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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