I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Please don't give away my fajitas
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
