I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
