tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
