Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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