i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
