i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
