you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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