My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
