There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
