I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
