Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
