my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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