The maid of honor just puked.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
