Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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