I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
