Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
