My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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