I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
