Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
