They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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