This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Even my vagina gasped.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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