Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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