I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
