theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
