Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Pants are for mortals
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