my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
