If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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