Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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